Curiosity Over Judgment
When someone's different, ask why it matters to them — you often find you're alike underneath
- Difficulty
- Easy
- Time to result
- ~days to results
- Steps
- 3
- Confidence
- 85%
Hussey's personal lesson was that he judged people quickly without understanding what was behind their behaviour. When someone is different from us, it's very easy to decide what that difference means and what their intention must be, then judge them for it. Instead, when someone does something different from what you'd do, get curious: why is this important to you, what does it represent, what's driving you there? He's found this immensely connecting — the surface difference may hide a core similarity (the same underlying value or need, expressed differently), and people give up a lot of great partners because their immediate judgment of differences blinds them to the connections underneath.
Origin
Hussey names quick judgment as a personal fault he had to work on, having decided too fast what people's differences meant.
Core principles
- 01Difference invites premature meaning-making and judgment.
- 02Curiosity about the 'why' beneath a difference is connecting.
- 03Surface differences often mask core similarities in value or need.
- 04Snap judgment costs you great people.
How to run it
- 1
Catch the snap judgment
Notice when someone's difference triggers you to decide what it means or what their intention is.
Watch out Exclude genuine ethical deal-breakers — this is about differences, not things you abhor.
- 2
Get curious about the why
Ask what the thing represents to them and what's driving them, rather than judging the surface behaviour.
- 3
Look for the underlying connection
Check whether their reason for liking that thing resonates with why you like yours — often you're alike at the core.
In the wild
Hussey finds that understanding why someone values a thing he doesn't often reveals the same core value expressed differently.
→ A connecting experience that saves relationships snap judgment would have ended.
Common mistakes
Deciding what a difference means
Assuming you know the intention behind someone's different behaviour, and judging them on that assumption, discards good people over surface mismatches.
Is it for you?
Best for
Anyone quick to write people off over differences in dating or work.
Not ideal for
Genuine ethical deal-breakers, where curiosity would excuse the inexcusable.
From the transcript
“take a moment to be curious about that thing what is it for them about that thing that they really like”
From the episode
Matthew Hussey: The Secret To Building A Perfect Relationship
Matthew Hussey