Kindness Default Decision Rule
Use kindness as the default when choosing the next step
- Difficulty
- Moderate
- Time to result
- ~ongoing to results
- Steps
- 5
- Confidence
- 97%
Waldinger's final decision rule is to make kindness the default setting. At a choice point, a person asks which viable next step expresses kindness and selects it unless safety, truth, or another genuine responsibility rules it out. Waldinger explains the mechanism through Thich Nhat Hanh's image of nourishing seeds: the qualities repeatedly fed are the ones that grow. Choosing power, dominance, or anger strengthens those tendencies; repeatedly choosing kindness strengthens a different default. The rule is intentionally simple and does not specify one universal behaviour. Kindness may involve warmth, honesty, help, or a boundary depending on the situation. Its value is as a repeatable orientation for the next choice rather than a promise that every outcome will feel pleasant.
Origin
Extracted from The Diary of a CEO
Core principles
- 01Repeated choices nourish the qualities that grow
- 02A default reduces indecision at ordinary choice points
- 03Kindness is a direction rather than a guarantee of one specific action
- 04Power, dominance, and anger also strengthen when repeatedly chosen
How to run it
- 1
Notice the choice point
Pause when you have more than one plausible way to respond or proceed.
Pro tip Apply the rule to the next step rather than solving the entire future.
- 2
Generate the kind option
Ask which response would treat the people involved with care and dignity.
Pro tip Include yourself among the people affected.
Watch out Kindness does not require agreement or unlimited access.
- 3
Check the boundary
Confirm that the option remains truthful, safe, and consistent with real responsibilities.
Pro tip A clear no can be kinder than misleading compliance.
Watch out Do not use the language of kindness to tolerate abuse or deception.
- 4
Take the next step
Choose the viable response that best expresses kindness in the present situation.
Pro tip Small repeated choices are the practice.
- 5
Reinforce the seed
Review which quality the choice strengthened and return to the rule at the next decision point.
Watch out One kind choice does not guarantee control over another person's response.
In the wild
Waldinger asks listeners to return to kindness whenever they have a choice about the next step. In practice, a tense exchange could be answered with a truthful but non-humiliating boundary rather than dominance or anger.
→ The immediate decision reinforces kindness as the preferred default without removing the boundary.
Common mistakes
Confusing kindness with compliance
A kind default can still include refusal, honesty, and protection from harm.
Trying to control the outcome
The rule governs the chooser's next action, not how another person will respond.
Is it for you?
Best for
It is best for everyday interpersonal choices where a person wants a consistent principle for conduct.
Not ideal for
It is not ideal when kindness is confused with appeasement, concealment, or abandoning a necessary boundary.
From the transcript
“make your default setting kindness”
“if you nourish those seeds that's what grows”
From the episode
7 Life-changing Lessons From The Longest Ever Study On Health & Happiness! Dr. Robert Waldinger