The Kindness Method
Pair compassion with firmness to make the next choice you will respect.
- Difficulty
- Moderate
- Time to result
- ~ongoing to results
- Steps
- 7
- Confidence
- 98%
The Kindness Method treats behavior change as a series of difficult choices rather than a test of constant motivation. Begin with an honest snapshot of current behavior, then investigate what the unwanted behavior does for you instead of treating it only as a defect. Anticipate that plans, urges, and triggers will not unfold perfectly. When difficulty arrives, pause and ask what you would tell someone you love who needed to return to a meaningful goal. The response should combine compassion—acknowledging why the moment is hard—with firmness about the action you choose next. Izadi argues that taking this advice repeatedly builds evidence of capacity and trust, while harsh, catastrophic self-talk makes recovery less likely. The method is presented as a self-reflection and habit-change process, not a substitute for treatment of addiction, eating disorders, or trauma.
Origin
Izadi says she assembled the method from her own behavior-change experience and tools she found useful while working and training staff in addiction services. She wrote it as a private, step-by-step process for people changing habits on their own terms.
Core principles
- 01People often know what to do but not why they are not doing it.
- 02A difficult behavior may be serving a real function.
- 03Compassion acknowledges discomfort without surrendering the decision.
- 04Advice offered to someone you love can reveal a smarter response.
- 05Repeated choices can gradually update beliefs about personal capacity.
How to run it
- 1
Take a nonjudgmental snapshot
Write where you are today, what is happening, and what you want to change. Build the plan for the person you are now rather than an idealized future version.
Pro tip Keep the letter private so candor matters more than presentation.
Watch out A snapshot is a baseline, not a character verdict.
- 2
Find the behavior's job
Ask how the behavior serves you, what it helps you avoid, soothe, or obtain, and which need would remain if it stopped. Treat the behavior as a current solution that may need a better replacement.
Pro tip Use curious language such as ‘what is this doing for me?’
Watch out Removing a behavior without understanding its function can leave the underlying problem untouched.
- 3
Anticipate the hard moment
Assume motivation will waver and plans will meet unanticipated triggers. Name the urges, fears, and self-doubt that are likely to appear.
Pro tip Plan for the conversation you will have with yourself, not only the ideal environment.
Watch out Do not interpret a disrupted plan as proof that the whole attempt has failed.
- 4
Borrow your best advice
Write what you would say to someone you love who had the same lapse and still wanted the same long-term outcome. Replace their name with yours and keep the useful perspective, evidence, and support.
Pro tip Ask whether the advice would actually help the person return to action quickly.
Watch out Kind language without practical direction can become reassurance rather than useful coaching.
- 5
Hold compassion and firmness
Acknowledge that the urge or discomfort makes sense while retaining responsibility for the action you take. Let the feeling exist without treating it as a command.
Pro tip Use the stance ‘of course this is hard, and I still choose what I do next.’
Watch out Kindness does not mean doing whatever an urge requests.
- 6
Choose for tomorrow
Make the next decision one you expect to feel proud of the following day. Keep the unit of progress to the immediate choice rather than demanding certainty about the final outcome.
Pro tip Zoom in on demonstrating capacity once more rather than staring at the distant result.
Watch out A long-term outcome may not feel compelling enough in a difficult moment.
- 7
Resume and update
After a lapse, return to the process, identify what it taught you, and continue. Repeated useful choices provide evidence against the story that you are powerless or cannot be trusted.
Pro tip Measure recovery by how you respond to disruption, not by perfection.
Watch out Persistent or dangerous symptoms warrant professional help.
In the wild
In groups, Izadi asked people to write the name of someone they loved and record what they would say if that person had fallen off track while pursuing an important goal. Typical answers offered perspective, evidence of past capability, practical support, and permission to treat the lapse as a blip. Participants then crossed out the other person's name and wrote their own.
→ The exercise exposed a kinder and more useful recovery script they already knew how to give.
Izadi compares changing a repeated habit with withdrawing a child's expected daily treat. A caring adult expects protest, makes the child as comfortable as possible, and still keeps the boundary. The same stance can be used with an urge: understand why the body protests without automatically following it.
→ Compassion and firmness remain present together until the new response becomes easier through repetition.
Common mistakes
Relying on the distant outcome
A desired future result may start the change but may not motivate the next decision when plans fail or discomfort rises.
Treating the behavior only as a problem
This hides the function the behavior performs and the need that may remain after it is removed.
Calling harshness tough love
Shame, labels, and all-or-nothing instructions are unlikely to be the advice you would use to return someone else to action.
Is it for you?
Best for
People who understand the change they want but repeatedly lose trust in themselves when motivation fades or plans fail.
Not ideal for
Acute addiction, an eating disorder, trauma, or another condition that requires qualified clinical assessment and support rather than self-help alone.
From the transcript
“you already know what you tell someone else”
“hold compassion and firmness together”
“that doesn't mean I'm gonna do what you want”
From the episode
Behaviour Change Scientist: How I Lost 120lbs With Kindness: Shahroo Izadi