Lead With A Question, Not A Statement
'What's going on?' beats judgment — in parenting, leadership and love
- Difficulty
- Easy
- Time to result
- ~days to results
- Steps
- 3
- Confidence
- 85%
Instead of coming with statements, presumptions and judgments, come with a question — 'what's going on?'. Peer applies it to parenting ('good kids do bad things; what made you do that?' rather than 'you're so annoying'), to leadership (ask an underperforming employee what's going on before judging), and to relationships. It pairs with two related moves: 'what's the story you're telling yourself?' — which surfaces that both people are running private stories in a conflict (she and her husband each assumed the worst in the car) — and simply hearing someone ('I hear that, I'm sorry that hurt you'), because being heard makes people feel significant and worthy. Suspending judgment lets people tell you what's really wrong.
Origin
Peer models it with her own daughter — sitting without judgment through a bad mood until the daughter revealed she'd had a fight — and notes it builds the safety that makes people share.
Core principles
- 01A question opens; a statement or judgment closes.
- 02In conflict, both people are running a private story.
- 03Being heard makes people feel significant and worthy.
- 04Suspending judgment creates the safety to disclose.
How to run it
- 1
Ask 'what's going on?'
When someone messes up or is defensive, lead with a curious question instead of a verdict.
Pro tip With kids: 'what made you do that?' rather than 'you're naughty'.
- 2
Surface the stories
Ask 'what's the story you're telling yourself?' so each person's private interpretation comes into the open.
Pro tip It defuses conflict by revealing the other person may be reacting to something unrelated.
- 3
Make them feel heard
Reflect it back — 'I hear that, I'm sorry that hurt you' — even if you think they're overreacting.
Pro tip Being heard meets the core need to feel significant.
Watch out Dismissing them ('you're overreacting') makes them feel insignificant and unheard.
In the wild
Peer's daughter arrived in a foul mood; instead of leaving in offence, Peer just ordered coffee and waited, and the daughter revealed she'd had a big fight and thanked her for understanding.
→ Suspending judgment turned a near-blowup into connection.
Common mistakes
Leading with judgment
Coming with statements and presumptions ('how dare you talk to me like that') shuts people down before they can tell you what's actually wrong.
Is it for you?
Best for
Parents, leaders and partners who default to correcting or judging.
Not ideal for
Situations requiring immediate directive action, such as safety emergencies.
From the transcript
“you say what's going on ... what made why did you just do that and they'll tell you something that you would never expect”
From the episode
World Leading Therapist: 3 Simple Steps To Remove Your Negative Thoughts: Marisa Peer
World Leading Therapist