Marriage Solution Test
Define the problem before choosing marriage as the solution.
- Difficulty
- Moderate
- Time to result
- ~weeks to results
- Steps
- 6
- Confidence
- 98%
Sexton challenges the assumption that love automatically answers whether to marry. His test asks three linked questions: what problem is marriage meant to solve, whether the couple actually has that problem, and whether marriage is likely to solve it. The pair then separates possible aims—religious covenant, public accountability, social recognition, family planning, legal rights, or economic rules—because each operates differently. They examine which benefits require legal marriage and which could exist through commitment, ceremony, contracts, or other arrangements. Finally, they learn the rights and obligations the legal status creates before choosing it. The framework is deliberately neutral: Sexton celebrates committed love while questioning automatic government involvement. Its purpose is a reasoned decision, not a recommendation to reject marriage.
Origin
James Sexton repeatedly asks what problem the technology of marriage is designed to solve and later turns that question into a three-part decision test. Extracted from The Diary of a CEO.
Core principles
- 01A culturally normal choice still needs a purpose.
- 02Love, public commitment, religion, and legal status are distinct motives.
- 03The proposed mechanism should match the couple's actual problem.
- 04Marriage should be chosen deliberately rather than assumed.
How to run it
- 1
State the why
Each partner independently explains why they want marriage. Replace answers such as because people do with the concrete change they expect it to create.
Pro tip Write the answers before discussing them together.
Watch out Do not treat uncertainty as proof of weak love.
- 2
Separate the meanings
Sort the aims into emotional, religious, social, practical, and legal categories. Identify which meanings matter to each partner and where expectations differ.
Pro tip Distinguish a wedding, a public promise, and legal marriage.
Watch out One word can conceal materially different expectations.
- 3
Define the problem
State the need or goal marriage is expected to address. Examples may include legal protection, public accountability, religious commitment, or family structure.
Pro tip Use one sentence per problem rather than a vague bundle.
Watch out Marriage cannot be evaluated against an undefined aim.
- 4
Test the mechanism
Ask exactly how legal marriage would produce the desired outcome and what risks or obligations accompany it. Seek qualified advice for legal and financial claims.
Pro tip Request examples of what changes on the wedding date and what does not.
Watch out Do not rely on movie narratives or assumed legal rights.
- 5
Compare alternatives
Identify whether a ceremony, contract, will, cohabitation arrangement, or non-marital commitment could meet some aims. Compare those options against the complete set of goals rather than one feature.
Pro tip Include the option of marriage after the comparison; the test is not designed to rule it out.
Watch out Alternatives also carry legal and practical consequences.
- 6
Choose deliberately
Decide only after both partners can explain the purpose, mechanism, rights, obligations, and unresolved trade-offs. Revisit the decision if a core assumption changes.
Pro tip Record the shared reasons so they can guide later expectations.
In the wild
A couple says marriage will help friends and family hold them accountable to monogamy and mutual support. They distinguish the value of a public declaration and visible rings from the separate legal contract, then investigate whether they want both parts and what obligations the legal status adds.
→ The couple can choose marriage, another structure, or a combination for explicit reasons rather than cultural momentum.
Common mistakes
Using love as the whole mechanism
Sexton argues that being in love does not by itself explain what legal marriage will change or preserve.
Collapsing every meaning together
The transcript distinguishes spiritual, social, and legal marriage, which can carry different aims and consequences.
Assuming the test is anti-marriage
Sexton's conclusion is to ask the question rather than declare that everyone should or should not marry.
Is it for you?
Best for
Couples considering marriage who want to distinguish love and commitment from the legal and economic status they may enter.
Not ideal for
Anyone seeking a universal verdict for or against marriage, or legal advice without consulting a qualified professional in the relevant jurisdiction.
From the transcript
“what is the problem to which marriage is a solution?”
“And do I have that problem? And will it solve that problem?”
“I think we shouldn't assume we should get married.”
From the episode
The Divorce Expert: 86% of People Who Divorce Remarry! Why Sex Is Causing Divorces! If They Say This, Do Not Marry Them!