Optional Suffering Check
Separate unavoidable pain from untested stories that add suffering
- Difficulty
- Moderate
- Time to result
- ~ongoing to results
- Steps
- 5
- Confidence
- 95%
Waldinger distinguishes unavoidable suffering, such as pain and events outside our control, from optional suffering generated by stories that may not be true. The method starts by identifying what is actually happening, then separating it from predictions, imagined consequences, and the urge to escape the present state. Instead of automatically reaching for stimulation or relief, a person observes the unpleasant feeling and allows time for it to change. The mechanism is not denial: real pain remains real and may require action. It is a check against multiplying that pain through unsupported narratives or reflexive avoidance. The result is a more deliberate response based on present facts rather than a feared future.
Origin
Waldinger connects his work as a psychiatrist and Zen priest with a vow to relieve optional suffering: the distress created by stories and worries that turn out not to be true.
Core principles
- 01Some pain cannot be controlled
- 02Imagined outcomes can add suffering before anything happens
- 03An unpleasant state can change without an immediate escape
- 04Observation creates space between discomfort and reaction
How to run it
- 1
Name what hurts
Describe the present pain, worry, or malaise without explaining it yet. Keep the description close to what can currently be observed.
Pro tip Use concrete sensations, events, and known facts.
Watch out Do not relabel a genuine danger or serious symptom as merely optional suffering.
- 2
Find the added story
Identify predictions, assumptions, and imagined outcomes that your mind has attached to the present facts.
Pro tip Ask which feared events have not actually happened.
Watch out A plausible concern still needs evidence before being treated as certain.
- 3
Separate control from uncertainty
Mark what you can act on now, what cannot be controlled, and what remains unknown.
Pro tip Choose one proportionate action for the controllable part.
- 4
Watch the urge
Notice the impulse to change your state immediately through distraction, consumption, or another automatic reaction.
Pro tip Pause before reaching for the usual escape.
Watch out Do not use observation to delay necessary care or support.
- 5
Let the state move
Remain present long enough to see whether the discomfort shifts on its own, then respond to what remains.
Pro tip Return attention to the current moment rather than arguing with every thought.
In the wild
Waldinger describes worrying about events that later amount to nothing. Applying the check means acknowledging the current anxiety, identifying the predicted disaster as a story rather than a fact, and waiting before organizing behaviour around it.
→ The real concern can be addressed without treating an imagined outcome as already true.
Common mistakes
Calling all suffering optional
Waldinger explicitly says some pain and suffering cannot be controlled; the check applies to the additional stories around it.
Using presence as avoidance
Watching a feeling pass should not replace action when the facts require protection, treatment, or help.
Is it for you?
Best for
It is best for ordinary worry, rumination, and momentary discomfort where a person can pause safely before reacting.
Not ideal for
It is not ideal as a substitute for urgent help, medical care, or action against a real and immediate danger.
From the transcript
“there's some suffering that's not optional”
“there's optional suffering there are all the stories we tell ourselves”
“simply be present for that malaise and then watch it pass”
From the episode
7 Life-changing Lessons From The Longest Ever Study On Health & Happiness! Dr. Robert Waldinger