Choose A Partner, Not A Project
The urge to fix your partner is a symptom that you chose a project you never accepted
- Difficulty
- Easy
- Time to result
- ~days to results
- Steps
- 3
- Confidence
- 85%
Being made to feel like a project you need to fix is a terrible, emasculating feeling for the person on the receiving end, and the fixing impulse is usually a symptom that you chose someone you weren't actually aligned with. If you find yourself trying to change a partner, suspect yourself: you probably knew the trait from the start (the first four dates were in a pub — the guy likes a drink) and wagered they'd become what you want. Hussey's test is 'am I at peace with who this person is today?' — because entering a relationship betting on their transformation, while staying quiet about the things you dislike until a year in, sets up resentment on both sides.
Origin
Hussey speaks from being on the receiving end of partners who tried to fix him, and told one directly that constant correction communicated 'you're not good enough'.
Core principles
- 01Trying to fix a partner signals you chose a project, not a person.
- 02The trait you want to change was usually visible from the start.
- 03A relationship built on a wager of change breeds resentment.
- 04Ask: am I at peace with who this person is today?
How to run it
- 1
Notice the fixing impulse
Catch yourself wanting to correct or change a partner and treat it as a diagnostic signal.
Watch out Constant correction communicates 'you're not good enough' to the other person.
- 2
Suspect your original choice
Ask whether you're unhappy because you needed things from the start that this person doesn't provide — traits you already knew about.
- 3
Apply the peace test
Ask 'am I at peace with who this person is today?' rather than wagering on who they'll become.
Pro tip Be honest early instead of silently compromising, which only builds resentment (e.g. giving up the football to keep the peace).
In the wild
Hussey notes it's not a surprise a partner drinks if the first four dates were in a pub — you knew from the beginning, so the fixing project was self-created.
→ Recognising this points you to choose aligned partners rather than projects.
Common mistakes
Wagering on change
Getting into a relationship on the bet that someone will become what you want — while staying silent about your objections — sets both people up for resentment.
Is it for you?
Best for
People who keep trying to change their partners, or who date 'potential'.
Not ideal for
Early friendships or mentoring, where helping someone grow is the point.
From the transcript
“instead of choosing a partner you chose a project of some kind”
From the episode
Matthew Hussey: The Secret To Building A Perfect Relationship
Matthew Hussey