Praise-or-Provoke Neutral Response
Limit exposure and give a provocateur nothing useful to grab
- Difficulty
- Moderate
- Time to result
- ~weeks to results
- Steps
- 4
- Confidence
- 94%
Fisher describes a recurring interaction pattern as “praise or provoke”: when admiration is unavailable, a difficult person may seek frustration because either response keeps attention and control centred on them. His response is behavioural rather than diagnostic. Reduce unnecessary exposure, recognise the apparent game, and use brief neutral statements such as “Noted,” “Got it,” or “Thanks for sharing.” Do not chase each accusation or try to fill every conversational hole. The aim is not to defeat or reform the other person; it is to make the interaction unrewarding and preserve your own energy. Fisher discusses this alongside narcissistic traits, but the framework should not be used to label someone with narcissistic personality disorder. It is a bounded communication strategy for repeated provocation.
Origin
Fisher connected this model to difficult expert witnesses he encounters in legal work and to recurring questions from readers about narcissistic behaviour.
Core principles
- 01Some difficult interactions alternate between seeking praise and provoking reaction
- 02Frustration can reward the same search for control as admiration
- 03Neutral statements reduce conversational openings
- 04You do not have to correct every claim
How to run it
- 1
Reduce exposure
Remove contact that is not required by the relationship, role, or task.
Pro tip Physical proximity does not require personal closeness.
Watch out Do not isolate yourself from useful colleagues or support systems.
- 2
Name the game privately
Notice whether the exchange appears to be seeking praise or trying to provoke frustration.
Pro tip Use the model to choose your response, not as an accusation.
Watch out Traits and patterns are not a clinical diagnosis.
- 3
Offer neutral language
Reply with a short acknowledgement that neither praises nor argues.
Pro tip Try “Noted,” “Got it,” or “Thanks for sharing.”
- 4
Leave holes unfilled
Do not defend yourself against every new insinuation or attempt to keep the argument alive.
Pro tip Put down the metaphorical shovel.
In the wild
Fisher described expert witnesses who would not concede a point and responded condescendingly to challenge. Rather than pursue every assertion, his recommended everyday response is to limit the interaction and use neutral language.
→ The exchange offers less attention and emotional reaction for the provocateur to use.
Common mistakes
Trying to win their game
Arguing every point can create an exhausting sequence of new claims rather than a real conversation.
Turning traits into a diagnosis
The transcript distinguishes general narcissistic traits from a diagnosable condition; casual labelling exceeds the evidence.
Is it for you?
Best for
Low-stakes, unavoidable contact with a person showing persistently provocative or self-centred behaviour.
Not ideal for
Diagnosing a personality disorder or managing abuse without professional, legal, or safeguarding support.
From the transcript
“It's a game for narcissists of praise or provoke.”
“I'm going to use neutral statements like, that's good to know. Thanks for sharing. Noted.”
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