REACH Forgiveness
Recall hurt, build empathy, give forgiveness, commit, and hold on
- Difficulty
- Advanced
- Time to result
- ~months to results
- Steps
- 5
- Confidence
- 99%
Amen describes psychologist Everett Worthington's REACH method as a sequence for forgiveness. Recall the hurt in detail; empathize by considering what the other person may have felt or understood; altruistically give the gift of forgiveness; commit to that decision; and hold on to it when painful memories return. Amen applies the sequence to professional critics, using their uncertainty and sense of threat as material for empathy while retaining his disagreement. The method changes the holder's relationship to resentment rather than proving the offender was right. Forgiveness, reconciliation, trust, and access are not the same decision, so safety and boundaries can remain in place throughout the process.
Origin
Amen attributes REACH to Virginia Commonwealth University psychologist Everett Worthington and says Worthington used it after his mother was murdered.
Core principles
- 01Forgiveness begins by acknowledging rather than denying the hurt
- 02Empathy seeks context without excusing harm
- 03Forgiveness can be offered as an altruistic gift
- 04A decision is strengthened by commitment
- 05The decision may need to be renewed when resentment returns
How to run it
- 1
Recall the hurt
Describe what happened and its impact without minimizing it. Keep observed facts separate from interpretations where possible.
Pro tip Write a contained account rather than repeatedly rehearsing every detail.
Watch out Trauma recall can be destabilizing; professional support may be appropriate.
- 2
Empathize
Consider the other person's knowledge, fear, pressure, or limitations. Seek an intelligible perspective without declaring the conduct acceptable.
Pro tip Use tentative language such as “may have” when motives are unknown.
Watch out Empathy does not erase responsibility.
- 3
Give the gift
Choose forgiveness as an altruistic act rather than waiting for the offender to earn it. Define what forgiveness means to you.
Pro tip Separate the internal decision from any decision to contact the person.
Watch out Forgiveness does not require reconciliation or restored trust.
- 4
Commit
Record or state the decision so it is available when resentment returns. Use a private note, ritual, or trusted witness if helpful.
Pro tip Specify the boundaries that remain after forgiveness.
Watch out Do not make a public commitment that compromises privacy or safety.
- 5
Hold on
When the memory returns, remember the commitment and repeat the process as needed. Treat renewed pain as a cue, not proof that the decision failed.
Pro tip Return to the written commitment before acting on anger.
Watch out Ongoing harm calls for protection and support, not passive endurance.
In the wild
Amen recalls feeling belittled and ostracized by colleagues who rejected his imaging work. He then considers that unfamiliar work may have threatened them, offers forgiveness without changing his view, commits to it, and avoids continued exposure to their negativity.
→ He describes gaining more control over his own happiness while preserving disagreement and distance.
Common mistakes
Confusing forgiveness with approval
Understanding a perspective does not make harmful conduct acceptable.
Removing necessary boundaries
The process does not require contact, trust, or renewed access.
Expecting pain to vanish once
The final step anticipates that the hurt may return and the commitment may need renewal.
Is it for you?
Best for
It is best for someone choosing to work toward forgiveness without denying the event or abandoning boundaries.
Not ideal for
It is not a requirement to reconcile, restore access, excuse abuse, or remain in an unsafe relationship.
From the transcript
“The R. So recall it in detail. The E is empathize.”
“altruistically give them the gift of forgiveness. Commit to it. And hold on to it.”
From the episode
Doctor & Therapist To The Worlds Superstars: Justin Bieber, Miley Cyrus & Bella Hadid!: Dr Amen