Relationship OKRs
Translate a shared relationship vision into measurable habits and honest reviews
- Difficulty
- Moderate
- Time to result
- ~weeks to results
- Steps
- 5
- Confidence
- 99%
Murray-Serter and his wife adapted business OKRs to their marriage after tension during lockdown. They defined the objective as a long, sustainable, happy, and fulfilling marriage, then broke supporting results into mind, body, and soul. Those results became nightly habit-tracker questions: did they ask about each other's day, teach each other something, exercise, share intimacy, cuddle, or preserve personal space? He argues that this structure creates more freedom by preventing avoidable arguments and neglected needs from consuming time and attention. The framework depends on mutual agreement and regular revision; it is not an employee scorecard applied to a spouse. The couple also discusses difficult future scenarios in advance so that permission exists to raise uncomfortable subjects before they become crises.
Origin
Extracted from The Diary of a CEO
Core principles
- 01A relationship benefits from an explicit shared future
- 02Daily behaviours can support long-term intentions
- 03Both partners need to shape the measures
- 04Personal space and connection can coexist
- 05Difficult scenarios deserve advance discussion
How to run it
- 1
Start with the future
Imagine the relationship decades from now and describe what makes it fulfilling. Work backward from that shared picture rather than only reacting to today's irritation.
Pro tip Ask what you would say, do, and believe about each other in fifty years.
Watch out The vision must belong to both partners.
- 2
Set the objective
Write one shared relationship objective in language both partners accept. Keep it broad enough to matter and clear enough to guide the next layer.
Pro tip Murray-Serter used a long, sustainable, happy, and fulfilling marriage.
Watch out Do not assume agreement because one partner wrote an attractive statement.
- 3
Define key results
Break the objective into mind, body, and soul or another shared set of dimensions. Choose behaviours that would make progress visible in each area.
Pro tip Include connection, growth, health, intimacy, and space where relevant.
Watch out Avoid measures that pressure sex or override consent.
- 4
Track without policing
Review the agreed habits regularly and use misses as prompts for conversation. Keep the system reciprocal and revise measures that create resentment or no longer help.
Pro tip A short nightly journal can keep the review lightweight.
Watch out Tracking must not become surveillance, coercion, or a ledger of blame.
- 5
Scenario-plan hard conversations
Discuss how you would raise foreseeable crises or changes before they occur. The aim is permission for honest conversation, not certainty about future choices.
Pro tip Cover how either partner can safely reopen the agreement.
Watch out Advance discussion does not eliminate emotion or guarantee a crisis response.
In the wild
Murray-Serter and his wife translated their relationship objective into recurring questions about listening, teaching each other, exercise, intimacy, affection, and personal space. They recorded the habits in a nightly journal and treated them as small responsibilities toward the marriage.
→ The couple created regular moments of attention outside work and a structure for discussing neglected needs.
Common mistakes
Imposing a business system
A relationship framework becomes controlling when one partner defines and enforces it without genuine agreement.
Measuring intimacy without consent
Tracking cannot create an entitlement to sex or affection and must preserve each partner's autonomy.
Optimising away spontaneity
The habits should protect space and connection, not fill every moment with compliance tasks.
Is it for you?
Best for
Couples who both welcome structured reflection and want to protect attention, intimacy, growth, health, and personal space.
Not ideal for
It is unsuitable when one partner imposes the system, uses tracking as control, or when safety and abuse concerns require specialist support.
From the transcript
“we decided to try and apply this framework to our marriage”
“these literally become habit trackers that if you think about it really methodically”
From the episode
Overcoming Depression, Burnout, Anxiety and Insomnia with Dan Murray-Serter