Sex as a Shared Language
Replace assumed scripts with explicit questions about each partner's experience.
- Difficulty
- Moderate
- Time to result
- ~ongoing to results
- Steps
- 5
- Confidence
- 97%
Bartlett proposes treating sex as a language: two partners may both want intimacy while using different assumptions about what the experience should be. The second guest adds that porn-influenced, destination-focused scripts can turn sex into a performance and make direct requests feel embarrassing. The practical response is not to guess harder but to create a lower-pressure conversation. Make clear that the relationship or care is not conditional on sex, then ask how each person likes to give and receive, what they enjoy or dislike, how arousal works for them, what has changed, and how much time they need. Each person should first explore their own answers. The goal is a shared vocabulary that supports consent, responsiveness, and ongoing adjustment rather than a fixed play-by-play.
Origin
In The Diary of a CEO, Bartlett reflects on a former partner saying she did not like sex. A later, safer conversation led him to understand that she rejected a particular objectifying experience, not necessarily all sexual intimacy.
Core principles
- 01Partners may use the same word for very different experiences.
- 02A learned sexual script can obscure what either person actually enjoys.
- 03Safety and non-pressure make honest conversation easier.
- 04Preferences should be asked about rather than inferred.
- 05A shared language can change as preferences change.
How to run it
- 1
Suspend the default script
Stop assuming that sex has one correct sequence, pace, or destination. Treat each partner's experience as information that has not yet been fully translated.
Pro tip Notice whether either person's expectations come from a repeated media or relationship script.
Watch out Do not frame one partner's reluctance as a problem they owe the other person a solution to.
- 2
Lower the pressure
Create room for honesty by making clear that affection, respect, or the conversation itself does not depend on having sex.
Pro tip Choose a neutral moment rather than beginning during conflict or sexual activity.
Watch out Reassurance is ineffective if pressure, retaliation, or coercion remains.
- 3
Learn your own language
Ask yourself what you like, dislike, want more slowly, prefer to give or receive, and have changed your mind about.
Pro tip It is acceptable not to know an answer immediately.
Watch out A partner cannot reliably infer preferences that you have not explored yourself.
- 4
Exchange specific questions
Ask each other about preferences, arousal, pace, timing, boundaries, and changing interests. Listen without treating an answer as criticism or emasculation.
Pro tip Use the guest's direct prompts, such as asking what the other person likes and does not like.
Watch out Questions are invitations, not a route to negotiating past a boundary.
- 5
Build a shared vocabulary
Translate the answers into mutually understood signals and experiences, then revisit them as either person's preferences change.
Pro tip Respond to what is needed in the moment rather than following a rigid sequence.
Watch out Bilingual does not mean identical preferences; it means understanding and respecting both people.
In the wild
Bartlett says he initially felt emasculated when a partner said she did not like sex. After they later reconciled, he apologized, removed the expectation that sex had to occur, and listened as she described previous objectifying and hurtful experiences.
→ He came to interpret her statement as rejection of that learned version of sex rather than proof that intimacy could never work.
The second guest describes learning sex from porn, faking orgasms, and following positions or sequences that felt like performance. She says asking for a slower pace, different forms of touch, or a preference to give or receive helped reveal a broader range of possible experiences.
→ Explicit language replaced some of the assumptions embedded in the inherited script.
Common mistakes
Equating one script with all sex
Both speakers describe people concluding they dislike sex when the unwanted experience may be a specific performative or objectifying version.
Assuming preferences are obvious
The guest argues that partners often project their own histories and preferences instead of asking direct questions.
Turning questions into pressure
The conversation only supports mutual understanding when answers and boundaries can be given without punishment or coercion.
Is it for you?
Best for
Consenting adult partners who want a clearer, lower-pressure conversation about intimacy and preferences.
Not ideal for
Coercive or unsafe relationships, situations without consent, or concerns that require a qualified medical or therapeutic professional.
From the transcript
“men that need to start seeing sex as a language”
“what if you're just speaking the wrong language”
“what do you like and what do you not like what have you changed your mind about”
From the episode
4 Moments On The Diary Of A CEO That Changed My Life