Shoulder-to-Shoulder Conversation
Use shared activity to make difficult conversations easier
- Difficulty
- Starter
- Time to result
- ~days to results
- Steps
- 5
- Confidence
- 94%
Reeves argues that some men and boys communicate more easily shoulder to shoulder than face to face. He contrasts direct questioning across a table with conversations that emerged while driving, watching football, playing a game, walking, fixing something, or golfing. The shared activity reduces the sense of being stared at and gives the conversation somewhere else to rest, allowing disclosure to arise without a forced demand to ‘open up.’ The method is simple: choose a low-stakes activity, sit or move alongside the person, avoid interrogating them, tolerate silence, and follow the deeper topic when it appears. Reeves presents this as a tendency and practical option, not a rule for every man.
Origin
Reeves connects family experience, men’s sheds, and walking therapy to a shoulder-to-shoulder communication pattern. Extracted from The Diary of a CEO.
Core principles
- 01Connection does not always require direct eye contact
- 02Shared activity can lower conversational pressure
- 03Disclosure may emerge indirectly and gradually
- 04The setting should fit the person, not a stereotype
How to run it
- 1
Pick an easy activity
Choose walking, driving, fixing, gaming, fishing, or another task that does not demand constant attention. The activity should make silence feel natural.
Pro tip Use something the other person already enjoys.
Watch out Avoid activities too demanding or dangerous for conversation.
- 2
Move alongside
Sit, stand, or walk at an angle or side by side rather than insisting on direct eye contact. Let the physical setup lower the pressure.
Watch out Do not assume everyone dislikes face-to-face conversation.
- 3
Open lightly
Begin with the shared task or a broad observation instead of a rapid series of personal questions. Give the person control over how far the conversation goes.
Pro tip Ask one open question, then return attention to the activity.
Watch out Do not disguise an interrogation as casual time together.
- 4
Let silence work
Allow pauses without rushing to fill them. The activity keeps the connection intact while the person decides what to say.
Pro tip Resist repeating the question when there is no immediate answer.
- 5
Follow the disclosure
When a meaningful topic appears, listen and respond without abruptly turning the moment into a formal interview. Escalate to professional or emergency support when the content requires it.
Pro tip Reflect what you heard before offering solutions.
Watch out Conversation technique is not a substitute for urgent mental-health care.
In the wild
Reeves says his wife sometimes questioned their sons directly across a breakfast bar, while they later disclosed what had happened during a drive, a football match, or a video game. The side-by-side setting made the conversation easier for them.
→ The sons shared experiences without being pressed into direct disclosure.
A mentor invites a quiet teenager on a routine dog walk. After ten minutes of ordinary talk and silence, the teenager raises a problem at school; the mentor listens and helps arrange appropriate support.
→ A low-pressure activity creates an opening for a difficult conversation.
Common mistakes
Forcing the disclosure
The method works by reducing pressure. Repeated personal questions recreate the face-to-face interrogation it is meant to avoid.
Universalizing a tendency
Reeves discusses a pattern among men and boys, not a rule. Ask or observe how the individual communicates best.
Missing a crisis
A casual setting must not delay urgent help when someone indicates immediate danger. Use appropriate emergency or clinical support.
Is it for you?
Best for
It is best for parents, friends, mentors, or therapists supporting someone who talks more freely while doing something.
Not ideal for
It is not ideal for emergencies, formal disclosures requiring full attention, or anyone who prefers direct face-to-face conversation.
From the transcript
“men communicating more easily shoulder toh shoulder than face to face”
“men have to be doing something in order to be being with their friend”
From the episode
The Gender Expert: Men Are Emotionally Dependent On Women & We're Treating Them Like Malfunctioning Women! Richard Reeves