State of the Union Meeting
Review the relationship weekly with appreciation, repair, and a loving request
- Difficulty
- Moderate
- Time to result
- ~weeks to results
- Steps
- 5
- Confidence
- 99%
The Gottmans describe a recurring “State of the Union” meeting used to preserve relationship improvements. The meeting opens with five appreciations from each partner, ideally specific things noticed but not previously acknowledged. Only then does the couple discuss what needs to change or improve. The surrounding conflict guidance is to describe one's feelings about a situation rather than define the partner as the problem, while the listener works to understand and reflect the message without immediately defending. The ritual closes with one future-facing question: how can I make you feel loved this week? This sequence moves from noticing what is working, through a bounded repair conversation, to a concrete expression of care. The transcript does not establish that every couple needs exactly ninety minutes; the structure and listening quality are the reusable elements.
Origin
The Gottmans say they recommend this meeting at the end of couples workshops to help preserve improvements. Shared on The Diary of a CEO.
Core principles
- 01Regular conversations prevent issues from remaining hidden
- 02Appreciation changes the context for difficult feedback
- 03Feelings should describe experience rather than attack character
- 04Listening without defensiveness is central
- 05Every meeting should close with a concrete act of love
How to run it
- 1
Set attentive conditions
Choose a time when both partners can listen and ask whether it is a good time to talk. Remove avoidable distractions and agree to stay with the conversation.
Pro tip Schedule the meeting before a conflict forces it.
Watch out Do not begin when either person is unable to participate safely or calmly.
- 2
Exchange five appreciations
Each partner names five specific things they noticed and valued. Express gratitude or admiration rather than using generic praise.
Pro tip Choose observations you have not already said aloud.
Watch out Do not use praise as a setup for criticism.
- 3
Name needed changes
Describe the situation and your own feelings or needs. Avoid turning a solvable issue into a judgment about the partner's personality.
Watch out Criticism and contempt make understanding less likely.
- 4
Listen non-defensively
Take in the concern, make notes if helpful, and reflect back what you believe you heard. Let the speaker correct your understanding before moving to solutions.
Pro tip Write down the concern to keep attention on understanding rather than rebuttal.
Watch out Listening does not require agreeing with every interpretation.
- 5
Close with love
Ask what would help your partner feel loved during the coming week. Agree on a realistic action and follow through.
Watch out Do not promise an action you cannot or will not complete.
In the wild
A couple begins by appreciating specific acts from the week. One partner then says they felt alone when plans changed without a message, rather than calling the other thoughtless. The listener reflects the concern, explains only after confirming it was understood, and agrees to send an update next time. They close by choosing one shared evening together.
→ The issue becomes a specific repair and future commitment rather than a character fight.
Common mistakes
Opening with the complaint
Skipping appreciation can place the entire meeting inside a negative frame and make defensiveness more likely.
Making character the problem
Calling a partner lazy or thoughtless converts a situation into a global accusation.
Listening only to rebut
Preparing a defense prevents the listener from accurately reflecting the partner's experience.
Is it for you?
Best for
It is best for couples who want a predictable, non-crisis ritual for maintaining connection and addressing problems.
Not ideal for
It is not ideal for relationships involving coercive control or serious violence, where specialist safety support takes priority.
From the transcript
“you start with five appreciations of each other”
“how can I make you feel loved this week”
From the episode
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