Support Menu
Ask what kind of support is wanted before guessing
- Difficulty
- Starter
- Time to result
- ~days to results
- Steps
- 5
- Confidence
- 99%
The Support Menu replaces mind-reading with a short, explicit choice. When someone is struggling, the supporter offers several forms of help—such as listening, suggesting solutions, providing distraction, taking a walk, or simply staying present—and asks which one is wanted. If the person does not know, the supporter can try one option with permission and make it easy to redirect. The mechanism is simple: separate possible responses, let the person receiving support influence the choice, and treat correction as useful information rather than a personal rejection. Sexton presents this as a roughly 30-second intervention that is better than “blindly throwing darts.” The exact menu should fit the relationship and the moment; affectionate or physical options require mutual comfort and consent.
Origin
Extracted from The Diary of a CEO
Core principles
- 01Different moments call for different kinds of support
- 02The supporter does not need to read minds
- 03Listening and problem-solving are separate offers
- 04Uncertainty can be handled collaboratively
- 05Correction does not have to become rejection
How to run it
- 1
Interrupt your default
Notice whether you are about to solve, question, reassure, or withdraw automatically. Pause long enough to ask what would actually help.
Pro tip Use the menu before a familiar support mismatch becomes an argument.
Watch out Do not assume that what helped last time is wanted now.
- 2
Offer distinct options
Name a few genuinely available choices, such as listening, ideas, distraction, a walk, or quiet company. Keep the list short enough to answer.
Pro tip Include both talking and non-talking options.
Watch out Only offer physical affection or intimacy when it is appropriate and mutually welcome.
- 3
Ask for the order
Invite the person to choose what they want now. Accept that they may want a sequence, such as listening first and solutions later.
Pro tip Ask plainly rather than embedding your preferred answer in the question.
- 4
Handle uncertainty
If they do not know, ask whether you may try one option. Make clear that changing direction is allowed.
Pro tip Start with the least intrusive option when no preference is clear.
Watch out Silence or uncertainty is not blanket consent.
- 5
Invite correction
Check whether the chosen response is helping and let the person redirect you without having to manage your feelings about it.
Pro tip Say in advance that you will not be offended by a correction.
In the wild
Sexton offers the host a sample menu: he could listen and express love, suggest ways to handle the problem, tell a funny story, or go for a walk and either talk or not talk. The distressed partner chooses the form of support rather than receiving a guessed response.
→ The supporter replaces trial and error with a clear, collaborative choice.
Common mistakes
Defaulting to solutions
Advice can miss a request for presence, validation, or quiet companionship.
Offering too many choices
A large or elaborate menu can burden someone who is already distressed; offer only a few real options.
Taking redirection personally
Defensiveness makes the distressed person manage the supporter's feelings instead of receiving support.
Is it for you?
Best for
Partners, friends, or family members who want to support someone whose needs vary by situation.
Not ideal for
It is not an emergency-response protocol or a replacement for qualified help when someone is unsafe or in crisis.
From the transcript
“I've got a menu for you. Can you tell me which one you want?”
“If it feels good, great. And if it doesn't, you'll tell me, okay? And I won't be offended.”
From the episode
World No.1 Divorce Lawyer: This Is A Sign You’ll Divorce In 10 Years!