The One Is Built, Not Found (Settle On vs Settle For)
Someone becomes 'the one' through what you build — so settle ON a person and make it extraordinary
- Difficulty
- Moderate
- Time to result
- ~ongoing to results
- Steps
- 3
- Confidence
- 90%
Hussey argues we must dispense with the idea that 'the one' pre-exists, any more than one true career or one right book does. Someone becomes the one by what you build with them (starting from the right raw materials). The fear of making the wrong high-stakes decision leads to avoiding decisions altogether — a form of commitment phobia. The key distinction, drawn from Oliver Burkeman: 'settling for' means you accepted less than your standard; 'settling on' means you consciously commit your focus and energy to something and make it extraordinary. The moment you settle on (a person, a city, a job), you start investing differently — which is where the enjoyment actually comes from.
Origin
Hussey used to write 'never settle' in fans' books; he now sees that as weak advice from a maximising, optimising self-development mindset, and reframed it via Burkeman's work on commitment and mortality.
Core principles
- 01'The one' is built, not found; going the distance is what makes someone the one.
- 02Fear of the wrong choice causes commitment phobia — avoiding the choice.
- 03'Settling for' is accepting less; 'settling on' is committing and maximising.
- 04Investment follows the decision to commit, and enjoyment follows investment.
How to run it
- 1
Drop the myth of the pre-made one
Accept that no single perfect person (or career or city) is waiting; the right raw materials plus building make the one.
Watch out Waiting to 'meet the one' can be commitment phobia dressed as standards.
- 2
Settle on, don't settle for
Consciously commit your energy to a chosen person and resolve to make the relationship extraordinary, rather than accepting less than a standard.
Pro tip Notice avoidant language ('I don't know, we'll see') that keeps you from settling on anything.
- 3
Invest where you are
Once committed, invest in making the relationship the best it can be — the investment is the source of the enjoyment.
Pro tip Hussey and his fiancee ran through every place they might live and chose LA — then immediately started improving the home they were already in.
In the wild
After an exercise imagining living everywhere else, Hussey and his fiancee chose to stay in LA — and the moment they decided, they bought plants and started decorating the home they'd had all along.
→ Committing unlocked investment and enjoyment that indecision had blocked.
Common mistakes
Demonising 'settling'
The optimising, 'never settle' mindset conflates settling-for with settling-on, so people avoid commitment and rob themselves of the chance to make something extraordinary.
Is it for you?
Best for
People stuck waiting for a perfect partner or afraid of high-stakes commitment.
Not ideal for
Anyone being urged to commit to a genuinely wrong or unsafe partner.
From the transcript
“someone becomes the one by what we build with them”
“there's a difference between settling for and settling on”
From the episode
Matthew Hussey: The Secret To Building A Perfect Relationship
Matthew Hussey