The Three Betweens
Build meaning through people, useful work, and a larger purpose
- Difficulty
- Advanced
- Time to result
- ~ongoing to results
- Steps
- 4
- Confidence
- 98%
Jonathan Haidt argues that durable happiness is found neither simply by getting what one wants nor solely by changing one's internal attitude. He describes happiness as arising from three relationships: between the self and other people, between the self and useful work, and between the self and something larger than the self. Each relationship supplies a different form of connection—love, contribution, and continuity. The model becomes an audit: identify which connection is thin, then take action that makes another person, a body of work, or a shared mission genuinely depend on your contribution. Haidt also uses the model to argue that social media and AI can interfere with all three, but that technology critique is his application of the framework rather than a required conclusion.
Origin
Jonathan Haidt says the model is the conclusion of his book The Happiness Hypothesis and explains it on The Diary of a CEO.
Core principles
- 01A meaningful life is relational rather than purely internal
- 02Love includes family and friendship as well as romance
- 03Useful work connects effort to effects on other people
- 04A larger tradition or mission extends meaning beyond the self
How to run it
- 1
Audit your people
List the family members, friends, and partners with whom you have reciprocal, substantive relationships.
Pro tip Measure depth and presence, not contact count.
Watch out A large online network can conceal a shortage of close relationships.
- 2
Audit your usefulness
Name the people affected by your work and the concrete value your effort creates for them.
Pro tip Unpaid care and community work count when they make a real difference.
- 3
Audit the larger connection
Identify a mission, tradition, institution, or future community that your actions help carry forward.
Pro tip Choose something with a past and a future, not merely a personal status goal.
- 4
Repair the weakest between
Choose one recurring action that strengthens the thinnest of the three relationships.
Pro tip Review all three monthly rather than trying to maximize one forever.
Watch out Do not use the audit to dismiss a need for professional support.
In the wild
Illustrative example: a remote worker has career success but feels detached. The audit shows active friendships and a valued cause, yet no visible connection between daily work and another person's outcome. The worker begins mentoring a new colleague and collecting customer impact stories.
→ Work becomes easier to connect with usefulness to others.
Common mistakes
Reducing meaning to achievement
The model asks how achievement connects the person to others, contribution, and a larger purpose.
Maximizing only one between
Work cannot permanently substitute for close relationships or a larger source of continuity.
Is it for you?
Best for
It is best for people who feel disconnected despite achieving goals or consuming more.
Not ideal for
It is not a treatment plan for depression, loneliness, or another mental-health condition.
From the transcript
“happiness comes from between”
“The relationship between yourself and others”
“the relationship between you and something larger than yourself”
From the episode
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