Turn Toward Bids
Answer small requests for attention to strengthen everyday connection
- Difficulty
- Moderate
- Time to result
- ~weeks to results
- Steps
- 5
- Confidence
- 99%
A bid for connection is one partner's attempt to gain the other's attention or interest, such as pointing out a boat or beginning a conversation. The response can turn toward by acknowledging and engaging, turn away by not responding, or turn against through irritation. Turning toward is relational rather than purely physical: the essential act is responding to the desire for attention. When immediate engagement is impossible, Julie Gottman recommends acknowledging the person, naming the competing task, and offering a specific later time—a conversational bookmark that preserves the wish to connect. The partner must then return as promised. John Gottman reports a large difference in earlier turning-toward rates between couples who were married and divorced six years later, but the episode gives limited study detail; the percentages are observational claims rather than a guaranteed threshold for any individual couple.
Origin
John Gottman says observers identified bids while watching couples in the Gottmans' apartment laboratory and later connected response patterns with relationship outcomes. Shared on The Diary of a CEO.
Core principles
- 01A bid is an attempt to gain interest or attention
- 02Turning toward means responding, not merely moving your body
- 03Ignoring is turning away and irritation is turning against
- 04Unavailable partners can preserve connection with a specific return time
- 05Awareness makes small moments easier to recognize
How to run it
- 1
Recognize the bid
Notice comments, questions, gestures, or disclosures that seek your interest or attention. Treat small bids as meaningful without assuming every remark requires a long conversation.
Pro tip Listen for the connection request beneath the literal topic.
Watch out Do not label every request a bid in order to override boundaries.
- 2
Turn toward
Acknowledge the partner and respond with interest when you have capacity. A brief warm response can still show that the bid landed.
Watch out Mechanical acknowledgment without attention may still feel dismissive.
- 3
Bookmark when busy
If you cannot engage, say that you want to listen, explain the immediate constraint, and propose a specific time to return. Use a warm tone rather than treating the person as an interruption.
Pro tip Turn away from the task briefly while making the bookmark if possible.
Watch out A vague “later” is not a reliable bookmark.
- 4
Return as promised
Reopen the conversation at the agreed time and give the attention you offered. If circumstances change, communicate and set a new time together.
Watch out Repeatedly missing the return can make the acknowledgment feel empty.
- 5
Review the pattern
Notice whether bids are commonly met with engagement, silence, or irritation. Practice increasing awareness rather than obsessively counting every interaction.
Watch out The reported percentages are not a target that guarantees a relationship outcome.
In the wild
A partner asks to talk while the other is finishing urgent work. Instead of ignoring them or snapping, the busy partner says they want to listen, needs one more hour, and asks to talk immediately afterward. They stop at the agreed time and reopen the conversation.
→ The work constraint is honored without treating the bid as unimportant.
Common mistakes
Confusing turning with posture
Physical orientation can help, but the Gottmans define turning toward as responding to the request for attention.
Responding with irritation
Treating the bid as an annoying interruption turns against the attempt at connection.
Promising later and disappearing
A bookmark only preserves trust when the partner returns or renegotiates the time.
Is it for you?
Best for
It is best for partners who miss each other's small requests for interest during busy daily life.
Not ideal for
It is not ideal as a demand for immediate availability regardless of work, rest, consent, or personal boundaries.
From the transcript
“one attempting to get the partner's attention making a bid for connection”
“turning toward or turning away or turning against”
From the episode
The Gottman Doctors: Affairs Can Actually Save Your Relationship! But If You See This, It's Time To Walk Away!