Vulnerability As Dating Strategy
Show the real you fast — it filters faster and gives people something to hold on to
- Difficulty
- Easy
- Time to result
- ~weeks to results
- Steps
- 4
- Confidence
- 92%
McLeod's summary of what Hinge Labs finds separates successful daters from unsuccessful ones: willingness to be honest, vulnerable and real. He gives two mechanisms. First, speed of accurate assessment — a veneer attracts people who are attracted to the veneer, and they'll see the real you eventually anyway, so being clear early about who you are, what you want and what isn't perfect about you gets you to the right person faster. Second, connection surface — there is nothing to talk about with someone who presents as perfect and invulnerable; we connect over the cracks and small imperfections. He also gives the exact inverse as a checklist of how to be the world's worst dating app user, which doubles as a diagnostic.
Origin
Grounded in both Hinge Labs research and McLeod's own relationship with Kate — a reconnection where the real intimacy only formed after the honeymoon period ended and two people who'd been apart eight years had to be genuinely vulnerable with each other.
Core principles
- 01Honesty and vulnerability increase both the speed and the quality of connections.
- 02A veneer recruits the wrong people and delays the inevitable.
- 03Imperfections are conversational hooks; perfection offers nothing to grab.
- 04Effort is the input: you get out what you put in.
- 05Deliberate signals train the algorithm; indiscriminate ones teach it nothing.
How to run it
- 1
State clearly who you are and what you want
Be explicit about your identity, what you're looking for and what isn't perfect about you, rather than optimising for likes.
Pro tip The faster you're clear, the faster you find someone who says yes to the actual you.
Watch out Pretending to be someone you're not attracts people who leave once they meet the real you.
- 2
Choose photos that show personality, not polish
Pick images that reveal who you are instead of filtered, sunglasses-clad or crowded group shots.
Pro tip Hinge invests heavily in helping people select photos that show more of their personality.
Watch out Filtered photos, sunglasses and group shots are McLeod's first example of how to be the worst possible user.
- 3
Answer prompts thoughtfully
Treat prompts as short questions designed to start a conversation and answer them with substance.
Pro tip Give people cracks and imperfections to grab onto — that's where connection forms.
Watch out One-word answers give the other person nothing to respond to.
- 4
Be deliberate with your likes
Send likes selectively and with a comment, so both the recipient and the matching algorithm learn your actual taste.
Watch out Liking everyone — or waiting passively for likes to come to you — are both failure modes.
In the wild
Asked how to be maximally unsuccessful, McLeod described it precisely: be inauthentic, use filtered photos in sunglasses or in big groups, give one-word prompt answers, and either like everyone or nobody while waiting for likes to arrive.
→ A negative-space checklist users can self-audit against in minutes.
When Kate moved into McLeod's 300-square-foot West Village apartment after eight years apart, the first few months were perfect and then weren't; because she'd given up her life to come, he couldn't just leave.
→ That forced persistence is where he says the real work, intimacy and vulnerability — and the design thesis for the new Hinge — began.
Common mistakes
Optimising for likes instead of fit
Trying to be cool or collect likes attracts people drawn to the veneer, who then discover the real you and leave — a slower path to the same filtering.
Presenting as flawless
There is nothing to talk about with someone who seems perfect and invincible; the imperfections are what people relate to.
Is it for you?
Best for
Anyone using dating apps without success who is presenting a polished, low-information version of themselves.
Not ideal for
Contexts where disclosure carries genuine safety risk, or anyone not looking for a real relationship.
From the transcript
“the more that you are willing to be honest and vulnerable and real, like the quicker you can find those connections”
“we connect over the the cracks of and the little imperfections”
“filtered photos with you in sunglasses or hanging out with a lot of friends, one-word answers to your prompts”
“the more thoughtful you are with your likes, the better our algorithm gets”
From the episode
Hinge Dating App CEO: Everyone Said Hinge Was A TERRIBLE idea! The 7 Love & Dating Secrets From Hinge’s Founder! AI Will Change Love & Dating!
Justin McLeod