Warmth and Competence (Don't Be Liked, Be Respected)
Chasing likeability is a trap — show competence and warmth to earn respect
- Difficulty
- Moderate
- Time to result
- ~weeks to results
- Steps
- 3
- Confidence
- 90%
Poumpouras argues that trying to be liked is a recipe for disaster because you can do everything right and people still may not like you. Instead, aim for two things: competence (follow through, be on time, deliver) and warmth (respect, openness, non-judgment). Research by Susan Fiske and Chris Malone shows warmth wins people over, but overdoing niceness gets you rolled — find the balance that keeps your authority and boundaries intact.
Origin
Poumpouras grounds it in Fiske and Malone's research and her polygraph work, where her goal was never to be liked but to make suspects feel heard and respected while she stayed in authority.
Core principles
- 01You can't control being liked, but you can control being competent and warm.
- 02Competence is follow-through: if you say 9am, be there at 8:55 ('if you're on time, you're late').
- 03Warmth is respect, openness, and non-judgment — not friendship.
- 04Overly nice, kind, or polite gets you rolled; balance warmth with maintained authority.
How to run it
- 1
Drop the goal of being liked
Stop optimising for likeability, which is complex, confusing, and often unattainable.
Watch out Wanting to be liked pulls focus off your actual goal, like closing the deal.
- 2
Demonstrate competence
Follow through on what you say, be early, and deliver to standard so people respect you.
- 3
Add warmth without losing authority
Be open, approachable, and non-judgmental while maintaining your boundaries.
Pro tip Warmth builds connection; judgment makes people filter and shut down.
Watch out Cross from warm into 'friend' and the lines blur — you get confused and taken advantage of.
In the wild
Interviewing people who committed horrific crimes, Poumpouras stayed non-judgmental — the poker face — to keep information flowing, not to befriend them.
→ Suspects felt heard and respected, revealing other victims and details that supported convictions.
Common mistakes
Optimising for likeability
Trying to make people like you is more complex than the goal itself and derails what you actually came to achieve.
Being overly nice
Excess niceness signals you can be rolled; you lose authority and get taken advantage of.
Is it for you?
Best for
Leaders, negotiators, and professionals who conflate being liked with being effective.
Not ideal for
Purely social contexts where friendship, not influence, is the actual aim.
From the transcript
“don't focus on making people like you because you can do everything right and people may still just not like you”
“if you're overly nice, overly kind, overly polite, that's when you get rolled”
From the episode
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