With Or Without You Energy
The single quality that separates an irresistible ask from a desperate one
- Difficulty
- Easy
- Time to result
- ~weeks to results
- Steps
- 4
- Confidence
- 96%
Priestley's diagnostic for why some asks get said yes to and most get ignored. The best ask carries the energy that this is happening with or without you — you can be the company whose logo goes on the videos, or not, but the videos are getting made. The worst ask is 'I desperately need this and if you say no, nobody will ever say yes.' Humans don't respond to neediness; they respond to not wanting to miss out on something that's actually happening, and they gravitate toward people who are visibly putting things together. Crucially, with-or-without-you energy is only honest if you're genuinely running volume — Priestley sends 3,000 cold DMs expecting 30 or 40 replies, and his VIP outreach team picks 30-40 targets expecting two or three.
Origin
Priestley arrived in London from Australia with a suitcase and a credit card, having never been above the equator, and within two weeks used a dinner party invitation with this energy to fill 30 seats with the who's who of his industry.
Core principles
- 01The ask must be happening with or without the person you're asking.
- 02Neediness repels; people flock around key people of influence.
- 03Very rarely do exciting things happen, and nobody wants to miss the ones that do.
- 04Volume is what makes non-neediness true rather than performed.
- 05One person's silence is not a verdict — send the next thirty.
How to run it
- 1
Commit to the thing happening first
Decide the event, launch, film or fund is going ahead, then invite people into it — the invitation must describe a real thing in motion.
- 2
Offer a place, not a plea
Frame the ask as an allocation — 'let me know and I'll allocate a spot to you' — rather than a request for rescue.
Pro tip Solve the other party's problem in the ask: Samsung's returned cameras sitting in a warehouse were a problem your offer fixed.
- 3
Send at volume and expect a low hit rate
Send 20, 30 or 50 asks a day and expect single-digit percentage responses, so no single no can wound you.
Pro tip 3,000 cold DMs to launch a business, expecting 30 or 40 replies — that's the correct ratio to plan for.
Watch out If your plan depends on one specific person saying yes, the energy will leak into the message and kill it.
- 4
Convert attention into one-to-ones
Once people are gathered, book the individual meetings in the room while the evidence of the gathering is visible to everyone.
In the wild
Newly arrived from Australia, Priestley invited the influential people in his industry to a dinner party of 30, filled it in two weeks for about £1,500, stood up, introduced himself and walked round booking one-to-ones — and every attendee could see he had 28 other meetings.
→ Partners agreed to support the launch, including a database of 600,000 people, producing £4 million of sales in the first few months.
Broke at 18, Bartlett emailed 20 camera companies offering to put their logo on campus videos in exchange for lending equipment.
→ Samsung sent £10,000 of camera equipment within 72 hours — they were warehouse returns the sender didn't know what to do with.
In Dubai, Priestley asked a friend to borrow his 100-foot yacht for a dinner for 15 influential people; the friend asked to come, and Priestley pointed out it was his boat.
→ A high-status gathering for the cost of burgers — and he notes you could ask 30 boat owners 'would you like it to be your boat?'
Common mistakes
Leading with desperation
'I desperately need this and if you don't say yes I'll give up' is the worst possible framing and reliably gets ignored.
Treating one non-reply as failure
Priestley gave Bartlett a briefcase gift that went nowhere, while the identical gift to another well-known person converted them into a client with millions of followers.
Is it for you?
Best for
Anyone with no money, no network and an internet connection who needs resources, partners or attention.
Not ideal for
Contexts where manufactured momentum would be dishonest because nothing is actually planned or funded.
From the transcript
“The best ask has with or without you energy.”
“no one likes neediness. People like things that are happening and people like to flock around key people of influence.”
“When I sent out 3,000 cold DMs to launch a business, I didn't expect 3,000 people to respond. I expected 30 or 40 people to…”
From the episode
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Daniel Priestley