Aggressive Liking
Make genuine liking visible instead of assuming people can read it
- Difficulty
- Easy
- Time to result
- ~days to results
- Steps
- 4
- Confidence
- 99%
Van Edwards calls her policy aggressive liking: deliberately offering verbal and nonverbal evidence that you want to like someone. Her three reusable phrases are “I was just thinking of you,” “You’re always so…,” and “Last time we talked, you mentioned…”. Each solves a different uncertainty. The first shows that the person occupies real mental space, the second gives a specific positive label, and the third proves you remembered what mattered to them. The mechanism counters what she calls signal amplification bias—the tendency to assume our positive feelings are more obvious than they are. The method only works when the cue is true; it is not a quota of messages or a script for manufacturing intimacy.
Origin
Extracted from The Diary of a CEO
Core principles
- 01Liking others first can make you more likable
- 02People cannot reliably infer unspoken appreciation
- 03Specific remembered details signal attention
- 04Warmth cues should be truthful rather than performed
How to run it
- 1
Choose the relationship
Use the method only with someone you genuinely want to level up with or remain close to.
Pro tip If their reply feels like an unwanted obligation, treat that as useful information.
Watch out Do not use warmth language to simulate interest you do not feel.
- 2
Send the real reminder
When an object, story, or question naturally reminds you of the person, tell them and connect it to a specific detail.
Pro tip Send it in the moment rather than scheduling a generic check-in block.
- 3
Give an earned label
Name a positive quality you have actually observed, such as always making you laugh or explaining an idea clearly.
Pro tip Describe behavior rather than using empty praise.
Watch out Overstated or generic labels can sound manipulative.
- 4
Resume the thread
Bring up something they previously cared about and ask what happened next.
Pro tip Choose a detail they visibly became excited or animated about.
In the wild
Someone sees a documentary about dolphins and remembers that a close friend loves them. Instead of sending a generic “How are you?”, they say the documentary made them think of the friend and ask whether they have seen it.
→ The message demonstrates real attention and opens a specific conversation.
Common mistakes
Turning it into a quota
Van Edwards explicitly rejects sitting down to manufacture a batch of “thinking of you” messages.
Assuming they already know
The framework exists because people commonly overestimate how clearly their appreciation is being transmitted.
Is it for you?
Best for
Friends, colleagues, and acquaintances you genuinely want to know better.
Not ideal for
Mass outreach, forced flattery, or relationships you do not want to continue.
From the transcript
“I make it a policy of aggressively liking people.”
“We think our signals are obvious.”
From the episode
The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!