Go First In Humanising The Interaction
Whoever cracks the first joke, gives the first compliment or says the real thing first becomes the leader.
- Difficulty
- Easy
- Time to result
- ~days to results
- Steps
- 4
- Confidence
- 95%
Houpert's sixth and most-referenced mindset is that in any group there is an expected social norm, and it is usually less than everybody in the room wishes it were. Nobody wants to be a suit or a role in a company; everyone wants to be a human. So whoever goes first — cracking the first joke, giving the first compliment, being vulnerable first — leads the interaction in the direction everyone privately wanted. He calls this the essence of leadership, and notes that whoever goes first becomes the leader. His justification for why the thought never stops you is elegant: the thought you have is the one everybody has, because if they did not have it they would have already done it. The mechanism works because going first gives other people permission to go deeper — say the real thing a level beneath the surface and then ask 'what about you', and especially if you hold power in the room, people will simply match you. He is candid about the boundary: there is a fine line between this and trauma-dumping without checking whether the other person wants to go there with you. But his statistical argument is that we have fewer than a dozen overshoots in a lifetime and hundreds or thousands of undershoots.
Origin
Houpert's brother supplied the story he uses to teach it. Bartlett and Houpert also arrive at it live: asked whether he was accidentally coming across as rude, Bartlett hears that the moments Houpert felt most connected were exactly the moments when one of them went there first and said the real thing, with neither performing for the camera.
Core principles
- 01The expected social norm is less than everyone wishes it were.
- 02Whoever goes first becomes the leader.
- 03Your hesitation is the hesitation everyone has — that is why nobody has done it.
- 04Going first gives others permission, and people especially match power.
- 05We undershoot hundreds of times for every overshoot.
How to run it
- 1
Read the gap between the norm and what people want
In a stiff, nervous group, nobody knows whether it is okay to be human. Houpert's framing is that everybody wants that and nobody moves first.
Pro tip The stiffer the room, the larger the return on going first.
Watch out Assuming the formality reflects what people want is the error.
- 2
Pick your form of going first
Crack the first joke. Give the first compliment. Be vulnerable first. Houpert notes people sometimes fear that being too complimentary disrupts their status — but once fun, trust and respect are established, pour it on.
Pro tip He also names speaking to your own state — 'I felt nervous coming in here' — as a version he has used on this very podcast.
Watch out The compliment worry is real but is solved by sequencing, not by withholding.
- 3
Go a level beneath the surface, then hand it over
Instead of 'been busy, how about you', say the real thing — what you have genuinely been struggling with — and then ask what about you.
Pro tip Given the power dynamic, people will simply match what you do. Going first therefore sets the depth for the whole exchange.
Watch out Houpert flags the boundary: outpouring without checking whether the other person is with you and wants to go there.
- 4
Deliberately risk the overshoot
Houpert's type-one/type-two framing: everyone fears overshooting — the trauma dump, the joke at a funeral — but we have fewer than a dozen of those in a life and hundreds or thousands of undershoots.
Pro tip The clarifying question is: is your goal to blend in, get through and not make a splash, or is it to connect?
Watch out Undershooting is invisible, which is why it never gets corrected — you simply miss what was available.
In the wild
Houpert went to a networking event determined to be professional, filling out his card with his real name and business. His brother, who had nothing to do with the event or its subject, told the registration desk his name was Dragon and had her write it on the badge, joking with her while she did it.
→ Dragon was a hit. He got far more interest than Houpert, who actually had the relevant business, and he made everyone else at the event funnier and more playful. Houpert uses it as proof that the rules of engagement we treat as set in stone are not.
Bartlett worries about accidentally coming across as rude given how many people he meets and how tired he is. Houpert answers by naming where he felt most connected in their own conversation.
→ It was the moments where one of them went there first and said the real thing, with neither performing for the camera — which he calls the opposite of rude.
Common mistakes
Waiting for someone else to go first
Houpert's argument is that the thought stopping you — I can't, because others won't — is the thought everyone in the room is having, which is exactly why nobody has done it.
Confusing going first with trauma dumping
He names the fine line explicitly: outpouring without checking whether the other person is with you and wants to go there is the overshoot version.
Optimising to blend in
Houpert reframes it as a goal question. If the aim is to get through without making a splash, all of this is unnecessary — but you will miss the connections that were available.
Is it for you?
Best for
Leaders, managers and anyone in rooms that are more formal than the people in them want.
Not ideal for
Settings where disclosure carries genuine professional or legal risk.
From the transcript
“whoever goes first becomes the leader”
“if you go there first you give people permission to go deeper”
“we have less than a dozen of those usually in our life and we have hundreds and thousands of undershooting”
From the episode
Charisma Teacher: Psychology Of Why People Don't Like You! People Are Attracted To These Traits! The Secret To Being Instantly Likeable!
Charlie Houpert