Kind High-Performance Conversations
Address weak performance honestly while preserving dignity and practical support
- Difficulty
- Advanced
- Time to result
- ~weeks to results
- Steps
- 6
- Confidence
- 98%
Nicola distinguishes being nice from being kind. Niceness can remain superficial and avoid discomfort; kindness requires an honest attempt to help. When a person is not performing, her sequence is to have the conversation, assess whether another role fits better, identify coaching or training that could close the gap, and state when expected delivery is absent. If an exit is the better outcome, the manner still matters: DECIEM has sometimes offered counselling intended to help a person consider another career. The framework also connects individual candour to collective care. Nicola argues that a business unable to perform may eventually have to cut headcount, so protecting every employee requires a functioning high-performance team. Her account is a leadership philosophy, not a complete legal termination procedure.
Origin
Nicola Kilner developed this distinction while reconciling DECIEM's family-like culture of belonging with the commercial need to perform. She argues that an uncomfortable conversation may be kinder than pleasant avoidance.
Core principles
- 01Kindness is not the same as pleasant avoidance
- 02The intention should be to help rather than punish
- 03Clear performance protects the wider team and the business
- 04The right outcome may be coaching, another role, or an exit
- 05A hard decision can still be handled with dignity
How to run it
- 1
Set a helpful intention
Enter the conversation to clarify and improve the situation, not to release frustration. Separate care for the person from approval of the current result.
Pro tip Write down the observable gap before discussing motives or personality.
Watch out Good intentions do not excuse vague evidence or an unfair process.
- 2
Name the gap
Explain what the role requires and where delivery is not meeting that requirement. Give the person a genuine opportunity to respond.
Pro tip Use specific work and expectations rather than labels.
- 3
Test role fit
Ask whether the person's strengths may suit a different role inside the organization. Do not assume every performance gap is a character problem.
Pro tip Compare the demands of the role with demonstrated strengths.
Watch out Reassignment should solve a real fit problem, not merely postpone a decision.
- 4
Offer a credible bridge
Where improvement is realistic, agree on coaching, training, support, and the expected delivery. Make ownership and review points clear.
Pro tip Tie support to the exact capability or behaviour in question.
Watch out Support without a clear standard can become indefinite ambiguity.
- 5
Make the hard decision
If the role remains wrong or delivery does not improve, choose reassignment or exit rather than allowing avoidance to damage the team and business.
Watch out Follow applicable employment law and qualified HR guidance.
- 6
Support the transition
Handle the outcome with as much dignity and practical help as the situation permits. Nicola gives career counselling around some terminations as one example, not a universal requirement.
Pro tip Choose support that fits the person's situation and the reason for leaving.
Watch out Transition support must not obscure the facts or create promises the company cannot keep.
In the wild
Nicola describes a sequence in which a manager asks whether another internal role is better, considers coaching or training, and then states when delivery is still missing. Where departure is the better outcome, DECIEM has sometimes arranged counselling to help the person consider another career.
→ The company can address performance without treating avoidance as compassion or the person as disposable.
Common mistakes
Using niceness to avoid the issue
Pleasant silence can leave the person unaware of the gap and expose the wider team to worsening consequences.
Treating one role as the whole person
A performance problem may reflect role fit or a trainable gap rather than a fixed lack of value.
Calling a harsh process kind
Kind language does not compensate for weak evidence, an unlawful process, or a decision made without listening.
Is it for you?
Best for
It is best for managers who value belonging but still need to address role mismatch, missed delivery, or a necessary termination.
Not ideal for
It is not a substitute for lawful HR processes, documented evidence, safeguarding, or specialist advice in high-risk employment cases.
From the transcript
“kindness sometimes is mistaken for weakness”
“it's not necessarily a nice thing to have that conversation with them”
“to be kind to everyone we have to be a performing team”
From the episode
A Billion dollar NIGHTMARE! The Disturbing Drama Behind The Scenes Of A Billion Dollar Beauty Business. The Ordinary - Nicola Kilner