Have Standards Beyond Beauty
Communicate that you are filtering for something real, and the whole power balance shifts from pursuit to match.
- Difficulty
- Easy
- Time to result
- ~weeks to results
- Steps
- 5
- Confidence
- 90%
Asked what women are attracted to, Houpert names conviction first — watching men approach, there is a moment where the woman is working out whether he feels he has a right to speak to her, and the difference between men who succeed and men who fail is whether they ride out the first five to fifteen seconds before warmth appears, or read the absence of instant delight as rejection and walk away. But the thing he says most men miss is standards. Ask whether there was ever a time you were physically attracted to someone and something made you lose interest — rudeness to a waiter, coldness, not being fun in the way you like, which does not make her a bad person, just not a match. For many men, especially young ones, the honest answer is no: they have exactly one standard. The counterintuitive part is that having more standards does not shrink your pool, it changes the dynamic, because people want to be appreciated for who they are rather than how they look. Communicating a standard she is meeting — I don't often meet people I have as much fun with, most people wouldn't come onto the dance floor with me — moves her off the pedestal and puts you into genuine filtering, which is what shifts the power balance from pursuit to match.
Origin
Houpert's interest began at 19 in South America when he thought his life would be about figuring out how to meet women, and he has since lived in several countries and observed the cultural differences. He also reports the shadow side of the same dynamic from his own life: as his channel grew, people entered his life he thought liked him and later realised liked his ability to provide a paycheck.
Core principles
- 01Conviction is the first filter — ride out the first fifteen seconds.
- 02Boring, repeated openers are what most men get wrong.
- 03Having only one standard is the common male default.
- 04Standards do not shrink your options, they change the dynamic.
- 05People want to be appreciated for who they are, not how they look.
How to run it
- 1
Ride out the first fifteen seconds
Houpert's observation of approaches in the US: there is a moment of assessing whether he feels he has a right to speak to her, and warmth is often not immediate. The men who succeed get more comfortable and ride out those five to fifteen seconds.
Pro tip Then the women are laughing. The men who fail read the absence of instant delight as a verdict and leave.
Watch out He notes every culture is different, having lived in several.
- 2
Replace the boring opener
Do you come here often, what's your major, 'hey' on a dating app — Houpert's point is that a woman receives the same thing ten million times. His own default was 'hey, I don't think I've met you yet, I'm Charlie'.
Pro tip It is portable — house party, bar, anywhere — and it implies without stating that you know a lot of people there.
Watch out He is emphatic that it has to be true. You do not need a fake story.
- 3
Check for basic human attraction
Before anything else: do you want to have a conversation with this person, do they have an interesting story, are you excusing yourself to the bathroom at the first chance. And is she filling gaps with her own contributions, or are you carrying the entire load?
Pro tip This does not mean she likes you or wants to be with you — only that she is up for conversing.
Watch out Carrying the whole conversational load alone is the clearest signal that the basic attraction is not present.
- 4
Develop actual standards
Ask whether there was ever a time you were physically attracted to someone and something ended your interest — rudeness to a waiter, unkindness, coldness, not being fun in the way you like. For many men the answer is no.
Pro tip Being a poor match does not make someone a bad person; the standards are about fit, not judgement.
Watch out One standard means every attractive person is a target, which is precisely what produces pursuit dynamics.
- 5
Communicate the standard she is meeting
I often go out and don't meet people I have as much fun with as you. I love how affectionate you are. Most people wouldn't come onto the dance floor with me — we're the only ones out here.
Pro tip It shifts the balance from she is on a pedestal because she is beautiful and I'm pursuing, to you genuinely filtering — and it means you subconsciously start looking for the person who will cut up the dance floor rather than the one who is colder.
Watch out The standard has to be real, or the compliment reads as a technique.
In the wild
Early in what became a multi-year relationship, Houpert had been consistently amenable — she cancelled, no problem. On a Sunday at 9pm, an hour before they were due to meet, she cancelled again and offered only Wednesday, on which he already had plans with friends. He said that was a shame, then he did not think he could see her that week.
→ She became upset and confused, said she would call back, and rang fifteen minutes later saying she would come over. Houpert's framing is that he saw himself breaking his own rule by continually moving his plans.
Bartlett recognises the same dynamic in fundraising: a founder said there were three days to decide, Bartlett said he could not answer in three days and would take two weeks for diligence, came back with a no — and then they chased him.
→ Both agree the underlying rule is not to play games. Houpert's caveat: the problem with this as advice is that it has to be true. Rather than faking unavailability, actually fill your calendar and build a life outside the thing.
Common mistakes
Walking away in the first fifteen seconds
Reading the absence of immediate warmth as rejection is the difference between the men Houpert has watched succeed and fail. Warmth often arrives after the initial assessment period.
Having exactly one standard
Most men, especially young men, cannot name a time attraction ended for a non-physical reason. That single standard is what produces the pedestal dynamic.
Faking unavailability
Houpert refuses the standard advice to just say you cannot make it. He says it has to be true — actually build your life and calendar outside the relationship, even if it is one reserved evening a week.
Is it for you?
Best for
People whose dating dynamic feels like pursuit rather than mutual selection, and anyone negotiating from a perceived lower-status position.
Not ideal for
Established relationships where the filtering question has already been settled.
From the transcript
“Do you authentically have and have you communicated to her that you have standards beyond her being beautiful”
“the problem with this as advice is it has to be true”
From the episode
Charisma Teacher: Psychology Of Why People Don't Like You! People Are Attracted To These Traits! The Secret To Being Instantly Likeable!
Charlie Houpert