Three Levels of Intimacy
Move from facts to concerns to the story someone tells about themselves
- Difficulty
- Moderate
- Time to result
- ~weeks to results
- Steps
- 5
- Confidence
- 94%
The model separates intimacy into three layers. General traits cover surface facts such as where someone lives and works. Personal concerns include goals, motivations, worries, and personality. Self-narrative is the story a person tells about who they are and how their life works. Van Edwards recommends listing the people you spend most time with and placing each at the deepest layer you genuinely know, because closeness by habit can still remain at level one. Her shortcut questions move gradually: ask what someone is working on that excites them, then their biggest current goal, and later which book, film, or television character resembles them and why. The aim is understanding, not interrogation.
Origin
Van Edwards says this is a framework she was still researching for her next book when discussing it on The Diary of a CEO.
Core principles
- 01Time spent together does not guarantee emotional depth
- 02Personal concerns reveal goals, motivations, and worries
- 03Self-narrative reveals how someone interprets their life
- 04Questions should deepen connection gradually
How to run it
- 1
Audit the relationship
List the people you spend the most time with and record whether you know only general traits, personal concerns, or their self-narrative.
Pro tip Judge by what you could accurately describe, not by years known.
Watch out Do not equate frequency of contact with depth.
- 2
Open with excitement
Ask what they are working on that feels exciting and follow the subject they choose.
Pro tip This gives them permission to discuss work without defining them by it.
- 3
Find the current goal
Ask about their biggest goal and listen for motivations, constraints, and what progress would mean to them.
Pro tip Revisit the goal in a later conversation.
Watch out A person declining a goal question is not automatically deficient; it may simply be the wrong context.
- 4
Explore self-narrative
When the relationship can support it, ask which fictional character is most like them and why. Focus on the values and personality they identify, not physical resemblance.
Pro tip Ask what part of the character's journey feels familiar.
Watch out Van Edwards described this part of the model as ongoing research, not a settled diagnostic.
- 5
Carry the knowledge forward
Remember what they shared and use it to understand, support, and follow up rather than reducing them to a category.
Watch out Do not treat hero, healer, or victim labels as clinical diagnoses.
In the wild
Van Edwards asked a close friend which character was most like her. The friend chose Katniss Everdeen and said she felt as if she were fighting for survival every day. Van Edwards says this opened a conversation about fear and loneliness that six years of ordinary contact had not reached.
→ A seemingly casual question revealed the friend's own interpretation of her daily life.
Common mistakes
Staying on autopilot
Repeatedly asking only what someone does or how they are tends to reproduce surface answers.
Jumping straight to depth
A self-narrative question can feel intrusive when no relational safety has been established.
Is it for you?
Best for
People auditing close relationships or trying to move a promising connection beyond small talk.
Not ideal for
Forcing disclosure from someone who has not shown interest or safety for a deeper conversation.
From the transcript
“It's general traits, personal concerns, self-narrative.”
“How they see themselves, not how I see them.”
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